The Sacrifices We Make

As we get closer to the very much anticipated arrival of a certain baby girl (and as I sit at my house day in, day out comtemplating the year's last events), my mind is a jumbled mess of musings, life lessons, metaphors, hopes and fears.

I am almost 32 weeks and so far I have been able to (not so eloquently or comfortably) keep my baby inside and growing!!

She is measuring a whole pound above average and seems to be very active. We are grateful for her growth and the fact that she seems to be doing just fine nestled head down in the very bottom of my womb.

What is not so easy to explain to others (and even sometimes to myself) is the absolute havoc this whole process has wreaked not only on my body but also on my spirit.

Nothing about this has been easy. And as we progress and I get larger, all of the physical symptoms only get much worse, making my last lap of this race feel more like an uphill battle.

And I really don't need anyone else to trot out any old adages or quaint little sayings used to (poorly) comfort a woman in my situation. No one is more aware of the goal and the benefits of this fight more than me. No one.

I just don't want to be so beaten down and emotionally exhausted by the time she gets here that I can't completely enjoy the absolute beauty of what I have managed to do and what she brings to my life.

When my siblings and I were younger and we wondered why my mom and dad were going on trips without us or why they were doing something that had absolutely nothing to do with us, my mother would always explain it by saying "if Mama's not happy, nobody's happy".

Or in my case, if Mama is not healthy, nobody is getting taken care of!!

I have spent the better part of three years battling a horribly painful disease with surgeries and medications, trying to beat the clock of my own questionable fertility, and now fighting to keep and nurture a miracle baby while feeling as if my insides are splitting apart and my heart is going to explode. 

I have sacrificed my body, my mind and (at many many times) my emotional stability to make this happen. So everyone will just have to excuse me if I'm not able to be Mary Sunshine everyday.

Now don't get me wrong, I am very happy. More than people know or I let on (because there are some things I like to keep to myself).

 I sit in her room in the rocker where I hope to spend many hours with her and just look around at all of the sweet baby owls and other decorations and smile. I open her closet and gaze at all of her pretty little dresses and playful outfits, imagining all of the things we will do in those sweet tiny clothes.

She will be my peace. She will be all of the things I could not be and do all of the things I could not do.

She will be my greatest accomplishment and all of the sacrifices I have made will hold infinite amounts of meaning and purpose when she is here in my arms.

I know I will make it through this. I have no other choice. But I defy ANYONE to go through all of the struggles, pain, constant worry or very isolating and depressing bedrest without coming out on the other side a completely different person.

I only hope that when I come out on the other side as a different woman, it will be for the better.

Overwhelmed

We are entering the last leg of this tumultuous journey, the last trimester!

And to say we are overwhelmed is an understatement. Though I am pretty sure Justin is not as worried about as many things as I am. (Or if he is, he hides it well.)

My pain has increased and so have my heart issues. I am having a lot more episodes of palpitations and tachycardia each day (even with my heart medication). My pelvis is stretching and widening early and due to that I can only stand or walk for about 5 minutes.

I am on official bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy. I fully expected this but, what I did not expect was how hard that would be.

Yes, I can work from home on my laptop part time. And yes I can still do things like shower, make my own sandwich, and do very light puttering.

What I’m not supposed to do is put any undo physical strain on my body including walking, lifting, pulling, pushing, bending, climbing stairs or standing for extended periods of time.

The past week has been very hard on me physically. I spend the days battling not only my heart and the lower back pain and sharp pains in my uterus, but also the Braxton Hicks contractions that have kicked up again. I spend the nights tossing and turning either from discomfort, acid reflux or nausea and vomiting (no doubt from the acid reflux).

At my last visit Dr. L advised me to be “extremely cautious” for the next few weeks. She reiterated the need to make it to 30 weeks safely with no delivery. And then she also briefly brought up the new plan of delivering early if my symptoms do not get better. She said I should be thinking about 32-34 weeks as the goal for right now.

This took me by surprise and brought on a whole new set of anxieties for the long list of things left undone.

Our house is nowhere near prepared for the baby.

 Our car is nowhere near ready for the baby.

Our medical and financial situations are nowhere ready for the baby.

And now we are looking at mid to late March instead of April.

Due to my physical symptoms and my heart condition, I am getting pretty anxious about the c-section. This is major surgery and will require some recovery time. The effects of this surgery and recovery are weighing heavy as we get closer.

Will I be able to breastfeed? Will I be able to care for my own child?

I have set certain goals for myself as a new mother and since pretty much everything else about this process (from making her, to carrying her, to delivering her) has been taken out of my hands, I am holding on tight to these last little bits of control I pretend to have.

Not to mention we are facing an undetermined amount of time in the NICU if she comes early.

And although none of this worrying helps my heart or my pain or anything else for that matter, here I sit doing just that.

What else am I supposed to do? The walls of this tiny house are closing in and I am feeling a sense of worthlessness. My body fails me, and I’m hoping with all of my might it won’t fail my baby.

But … one day at a time. That’s all I can do.

Just rest and keep my baby inside and safe for as long as possible.

One day at a time.

The Start of Bed Rest

As usual, time has gotten away from me.

Well, the preeclampsia diagnosis is still on hold for now. My urine tested negative for protein two weeks ago (hallelujah) and my blood pressure is only sporadically high. My heart rate however, is always high.

Last Friday, Jan 18th, I went to the ER with contractions that were about 20-30 minutes apart and were happening for 5-6 hours straight for 3-4 days in a row. I also had pretty severe cramping in my very low pelvic region and lower back pains. I was 24 weeks 6 days.

It was very painful and very unnerving and.... I had a slight panic attack.

I was monitored for 3 hours at my local hospital (as my doctor and delivery hospital is an hour and a half away). The nurse checked my cervix and determined I was dilated to a 1, but assured me women can walk around for a month like that.

Tess seemed fine and showed lots of movement and her heart rate was strong at 153 bpm.

I was sent home and told to be on bed rest for the rest of the weekend and to see my doctor first thing Monday morning.

I had to call my doctor on Saturday and got the on-call doc (who I happen to love). I was still having pelvic cramping and lots of lower back pain as well as some bloody mucus. (Sorry for TMI) She told me to come in Monday morning and to call back if my cramping got worse or if I began bleeding bright red.

Things stayed the same and I went in Monday. Dr. C checked my cervix which was still long and only dilated to a 1 (also called "fingertip"). She ordered me to bed rest for the whole week and to do another cervical check the following Monday.

Dr. C said right now it's really just a wait and see type of thing. I need to be monitored a lot more closely and I need to be resting as much as possible.

The goal is still to make it to 30 weeks without anything major happening.

My Braxton-Hicks contractions are not typically as painful as the cramping or the lower back pain, but as both of those are signs of preterm labor, it's all a big cause for high anxiety.

Basically it's a kind of a chain reaction with me. It starts with pain due to stress and exhaustion. That then leads to dehydration and physical stress (with an even higher heart rate) that triggers the Braxton-Hicks contractions. Then the pelvic pressure and low cramping starts.

So for now, our remedy is bed rest and as little stress as possible to manage the pain and the contractions.

This first week of laying around hasn't been too unbearable, as I have had plenty to keep me busy with working from home and trying to make a schedule for my mom and (not so willing) husband for cleaning and cooking duties. I also had two girlfriends come out and bring me food and my mom has been out here almost everyday.

But... very sadly during all of this our dear friend James lost his fight with germ cell cancer. He was home on hopsice for rougly a week and although I was having some serious health issues, we were able to see him and talk with him before he passed away.

James was the strongest person I had ever met and he never ever gave up. He was a good friend to me and Justin and we had known him since high school. It is unfathomable to think of how this can happen to a 29 year old vibrant, fun loving guy, only married for a few years with still so much more to give and do in life.

However, things happen in life that we can't control. I don't know why this happened to James, but what I do know is that he is not suffering any longer and we are all better people for knowing him.

We will miss him very very much.

Please keep his family and his wife, our dear sweet friend Amy, in your thoughts and prayers.

As for me, I am hoping that my bed rest will give me very little to have to report on in the upcoming weeks.

Honesty (and Pre-preeclampsia?)

I don’t know why I haven’t updated more on my pregnancy. It has really bothered me that I haven’t, since I seemed to have been able to chronicle every step it took to get here.

 It makes me sad, because I think some of it has to do with the fact that at times I felt like I couldn’t be honest or open with how things are REALLY going. We worked so hard to get here and we were told it would not happen. I lived in fear of never being able to have biological children, and now that it seems I will be able to have one, my other health issues and the complications of this pregnancy are not ‘validated’. Nobody wants to hear me complain. I don’t mean to complain, more like voice the issues that are STILL going on and my own fears that this will be detrimental to my baby’s health.

 I also have been super aware of how my journaling every little detail of my pregnancy may not be a welcome post for several of my fellow bloggers and readers, both online and in real life.

Also, I have at certain moments felt very protective of the milestones of this pregnancy, and have even at times not wanted to jinx them by bragging about making it to a certain point. Because it seems fairly regularly throughout this journey, a new “issue” crops up. And not the normal pregnancy uncomfortable complaints, but other things that “normal pregnancies” do not incur.

But I know that I have stumbled upon blogs or personal testimonies at certain times in my life that have truly helped me with the struggle I was having at that time. And it is my hope that by my continuing to be open and honest about my journey and my struggles, I may be able to help somebody.

We are constantly surrounded by situations, people and events that remind us that everyone is struggling in their own way. But, that doesn’t mean that someone else’s  problems are not just as real to them and cause them true despair. (And it is here that I invite you all to stop by James and Amy’s blog, read about their struggles with cancer and their incredible faith through it all. Please leave a prayer or sweet message if you feel inclined, they need it all as they near the end of their horrible journey)

If I have learned anything from all of my trials throughout the last 3 years it’s that the ability for someone to truly relate, sympathize and understand what you are going through requires that they themselves, have gone through something similar if not the very same thing.

This has enabled me to be more supportive of those who have had serious health issues, who have struggled to have children, who have lost loved ones suddenly or who have struggled to make the transition into that stage in life where more permanent plans begin to unfold (i.e. buying/building a house, ironing out a lifetime career etc.).

With all of this in mind, I have decided to try and go back and summarize the main points of my pregnancy. (I also still plan on posting specific posts about chronic pain in pregnancy and also managing a pregnancy with chronic illnesses.)

During the first trimester, I lost 10-12 lbs. from all of the nausea and vomiting. I also had severe pain due to the stretching of my uterus and the plethora of adhesions and scar tissue in my pelvis. We weren’t even sure she was still with us hanging on in there until about 8-10 weeks. I looked for blood every time I went to the bathroom and my daily pain kept me on pins and needles. Needless to say, I did not really start to feel ok, until about 13-14 weeks.

My bump showed up right around 13 weeks and has steadily grown by the week! I had a few weeks where the nausea had subsided but the pain was still there.

I was officially diagnosed with my heart condition at 15 weeks, and told not much could be done until after the baby came. I was put on a heart medication to try and control my heart rate which was measuring on average at 120-140 bpm on a daily basis with no exertion. My cardiologist and I planned a heart procedure ( cardiac catheter and ablation) for about 4 months after the baby comes.

At 17 weeks (right around Thanksgiving) we had the big scare. I never bled but I had unbelievable amounts of pelvic pressure and very intense pain with what felt like contractions. I contemplated going to the ER twice, but eventually just went in to see my doc. I was given the same old excuses of my distorted anatomy, tilted uterus  and scar tissue from previous surgeries and told to go home and rest and call if I began to bleed.

It took me about 2 weeks to get the pelvic pressure to relax. However, it was right around that time that Justin and I really began to get excited about the pregnancy. We both felt like we could finally start to be happy about our sweet baby.

At 20 weeks we found out that we were having a sweet little girl and the holidays were spent with family and planning everything around a much anticipated little girl. J

We decided on the name Tess and have been very busy, referring to her as Sweet Tess or Tess Angel, taking turns trying to impart our wisdom to her through my very round belly.

I have been so lucky to have been given so much from family. Two of my sisters-in-law have given me tons of infant clothing and a swing and my cousin gave me 10 bags of clothes for girls from age infant to 6ish! I actually have enough clothes already to not register for a thing!! It’s unbelievable!

As far as the fun trivia stuff, I have indeed been keeping myself updated on weekly reminders of how big my baby is, which fruit or vegetable she resembles size wise, and what body parts or systems are developing when!

I am adamant about two things, breast feeding and cloth diapers, and have been doing research like mad on both of those topics.

 I crave sweets and carbs CONSTANTLY and every time I eat a salad I get violently ill and wake up and then throw up. Most nights, if I have enough energy to put something together for dinner, I usually end up not eating it and just going with a bowl of cereal.

I have tons of heartburn, I can only eat small meals, I rarely sleep through the night and on top of round ligament pain that happens every time I turn sideways, I also have nightly leg and foot cramps to keep me up.

If I stand or walk for longer than about 5-10 minutes the pelvic pressure comes back with a vengeance and I have tons of lower back pain.

My belly looks very stretched  and very LARGE but my belly button has not popped out yet. My surgery scars have stretched into red blobs rather than the 6 red lines they were initially. No other stretch marks as of yet, but I do rub my belly and chest down every night with Skinny Girl Belly Butter.

I am highly emotional and sentimental and have very little patience for ignorant or inconsiderate people. Lately I have been having panic attacks about not being ready or being afraid that I won’t be a good mother.

Now before anyone starts to mutter about those being normal complaints and my need to chill out, last week brought on a whole new set of problems and a possible new diagnosis.

For 4 days straight I had a severe migraine, dizziness, slight blurred vision, high blood pressure, incredibly high heart rate, abdominal pain and pelvic cramping. I called both my OB and my cardiologist, who told me to rest immediately. My OB called in a very strong migraine medicine and told me to take the week off of work (I’m part time in the office, part time at home at the moment). I kept telling my friend Rachel, something just didn’t feel right. I felt so weird, so out of it and like something was wrong. After doing some research and talking with Rachel who has been through a high risk pregnancy with a preterm delivery, I felt like I was having symptoms of preeclampsia.

I have not been diagnosed yet, but I go in on Monday to have a regular check up and to also to have some tests run to determine if that is where my pregnancy is leading. My urine will be checked for protein, my blood pressure will be evaluated and my blood will be tested for certain levels dealing with kidney and liver function.

Preeclampsia is a complication of pregnancy  that develops after 20 weeks involving high blood pressure, protein in the urine, abdominal pain, severe headaches, sudden weight gain and swelling in the legs, hands, and face. It can cause a shortage of blood flow to the uterus and possible placental abruption (the placenta separates from the uterus). If untreated, it leads to preterm birth. If not managed properly and monitored constantly, it can be fatal to the fetus and possibly the mother.

(Courtesy of ThePreeclampsia Foundation)

Mild cases usually just require bed rest and close monitoring with an early delivery still possible, while more severe cases require hospitalization, steroid shots to mature the baby’s lungs and prepare for preterm delivery as well as prevention of possible seizure or stroke with the mother.

I really don’t want this to be the case but I also don’t want to stick my head in the sand and pretend like I just had a little episode and everything is fine. This disorder is VERY serious and coming from someone else who had it and didn’t know it, it would seem that I am having the beginning signs of this disorder.

I have already prepared my office for me to have to start doing work from home exclusively and my husband and family both want to me to closely monitor myself from now until Monday when we can find out a more definitive answer.

I struggle with feeling like I am over-worrying but then also not paying enough attention to my body or advocating my health. The only way my doctor will know what’s going on is if I call her. And yet when I do, which has only been twice during this whole pregnancy, I have been made to feel like if I’m not bleeding then I’m ok.

In truth, there are many things that can go awry in a pregnancy and it is the mother’s responsibility to both educate herself and also speak up and communicate when something is wrong.

I’m hoping to get this under control, because it scares me to death to not make it to at least 36 weeks. But I’m also being realistic. With the amount of pain I have, my ever increasing size and pelvic pressure, and this latest little group of symptoms, I expect to be put on some sort of bed rest (meaning couch or bed but no physical activity) very soon.

It’s not that I have been hard headed or contrary on purpose, but I have not been very good about following orders completely so far. What I mean is, I’m still working, cooking and cleaning by myself and pushing myself too far pretty much on a daily basis.

But it didn’t really hit me until yesterday that I need to focus on my health and my baby only.

I was at work (I know, I know, it was only for a little while) and one of my sales reps came in. She hadn’t seen me since I became pregnant, and wanted to know what was going on with me. We talked for a minute, and I gave her the capsulated version of my life for the past 3 years that led to this pregnancy (which after I was done made me sound like a medical experiment).

She just looked at me for a minute and then asked, “what are you doing here?” I told her I was just wrapping up a few things before the weekend and trying to make a game plan for my absence. She just shook her head and then very sincerely told me that with everything that I have been through and everything that is happening now, my only option is to go home and rest. Then she grabbed my hand and asked me, “Do you want to jeopardize your only chance? You will never forgive yourself if you pushed the limits to work or do something else and you lost the baby.” I just kind of stood there for a second, and then finally said “you’re right”.

I have been so worried about planning for my office to be without me, and planning for a way for us to make it financially with my serious decrease in income, and then also trying to do the “fun, normal pregnancy” things like shower planning and registering and cleaning and organizing, that I have been neglecting my body. My body is the sole care taker for a teeny tiny being, relying on me completely to get her safely into the world.

And really, nothing else should matter. My mother tells me this is one of the only times in my life when it is 100% ok to be selfish.  And yet, I still turn down offers of help and insist on carrying in the groceries myself or changing the sheets when I just really don’t have it in me to do it.

But I am trying hard to change that.

So, here’s hoping that whatever happens and whatever is discovered along the way of this last leg in my pregnancy, that I can endure it, and know what to do to take care of myself and most importantly bring Tess into the world at the right time and without any serious issues.

For those of you still here, thank you. I feel much better getting this all out.

If anyone has had any experience with preeclampsia or pregnancies with a heart condition or just has some words of wisdom, I welcome any and all stories.

In the meantime, I plan on just resting for the remainder of the weekend. I will update again after my appointment on Monday.  I will also continue to work on my resources to share about chronic illnesses and chronic pain.

I'm hoping everyone has a nice relaxing weekend, and for those of you in my area, I hope the storms and cold weather are not too intense!